


The Beard of Robert Lewis

by Elphen



Category: Lewis (TV)
Genre: Banter, Dialogue-Only, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-21
Updated: 2013-01-21
Packaged: 2017-11-26 09:49:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,785
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/649295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elphen/pseuds/Elphen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lewis grows a beard. Hathaway finds it...very distracting.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Beard of Robert Lewis

**Author's Note:**

> A little something born out of a crossover fic I'm working on. It really was just meant to be a few hundred words of fun for me, but then it got away from me. I, personally, rather liked how it turned out, though, so I'm putting it up here hoping it's not sucking too bad ;). My 3rd dialogue-only fic.  
> No betas or britpickers, so it's all my fault.

“You have a beard.”

“Very observant of you, Hathaway, we’ll make an inspector of you yet.” “

As I’ve said, if you go-“

“Yes, we both go. It was an expression.”

“You’ve grown a beard.”

“Since when did you start repeating yourself, man? Yeah, I got lazy during my leave and have ended up with a beard. So?”

“I have never ever seen you with a beard.”

“There’s a first for everything, isn’t there, lad? Now shall we go see if Laura’s got anything useful for us?”

 

oOo

 

“The beard hasn’t gone.”

“Nope.”

“You’ve even trimmed it.”

“Yup. “

“To a circle beard, I see.”

“I won’t even ask why you know that term.”

“It’s been a week.”

“And you’re dying to know why I’m keeping it. But simply asking is too easy, is it?”

“None of my business, _sir_.”

“Petulance doesn’t suit you, sergeant.”

“…”

“And neither does sulking. Off with you, suspects don’t interview themselves.”

“Right you are, mum.”

 

oOo

 

“Don’ t you even think about it.”

“About what, sir?”

“About getting rid of it.”

“It, sir?”

“Me beard, sergeant. You’ve been eyeing it for days now, when you think I don’t notice, with that speculative look on your face. That, in my experience, generally means trouble when it’s coming from you and I can tell you right now that it’s staying.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t dream of shaving it off myself.”

“Why is it that I don’t find that reassuring in the least?“

"I’m sure I couldn’t possibly guess.”

 

oOo

 

“You’ve got something on your chin. Something juust…there, yeah. Looks like a bit of pastry.”

“There, got it. Thank you.”

“Have to make sure you’re presentable.”

“Oh, aye? I expect you’ll tell me next that if I shaved, it wouldn’t be a problem.”

“…”

“Arh, that’d be a yes, then. You know, for someone so silent and brooding, your face does say a lot.”

“…”

“For Pete’s sake, man, why does it bother you so? Grow one yourself, if you’re jealous!”

“Can’t.”

“Can’t? Why not? Some kind of Catholic rule that prevents seminar-dropouts from growing a beard?”

“Only applies if they’re female, sir.”

“Of course, silly me. What’s stopping _you_ , then?”

“Can’t grow a beard. All I get is patches of long stubble and bare spots.”

“Poor thing, aren’t you? In any case, you look too much like a British officer as it is. With a beard, Kitchener would be jealous.”

“That’d be a _moustache_ – and Kitchener’s was brown, not blonde.”

“Still a beard, though. Right, if you’ve finished your chai macchionato or whatever, I have something that needs checking.”

“Actually, it’s a-“

“Come _on_ , James.”

 

oOo

 

“There’s grey in it.”

“Alright, this is bordering on obsession, Hathaway. I’m old, of course there’s grey in it. In case it’s failed your notice, me hair’s grey too now. Bleeding white hairs in there as well, come to that.”

“But a beard usually stays coloured longer.”

“If this is your subtle way – _another_ one, I might add – of telling me to shave, you can stuff it.”

“There comes a point where staying the course despite a lack of purpose could be construed as mere obstinacy.”

“You and your words. No, I’m keeping it for now. Makes me seem more sophisticated, the ladies say.”

“So there _is_ a reason.”

“I didn’t say that, James.”

“Of course you didn’t.”

“There also comes a point where the well-intentioned interest tips over into intrusive and nosy, you know.”

“I’ll be sure to tell you when I spot that one coming up.”

 

oOo

 

“I know you’re there, you know.”

“...”

“I’ll give you that you’re good at looming silently, but your body heat in front of me and the fact that you’re blocking the light is sort of a giveaway, lad.”

“...”

“Can I ask why you’re looming over me while I’m at my desk, thinking?”

“You were snoring, sir - you rarely do that when only thinking.”

“Hmph. Maybe so, but I know you touched my chin nevertheless. When I open my eyes, I hope there’s no razor to be seen or found.”

“Scout’s honour.”

“Again, I fail to be reassured. But why, then, were your fingers in my beard, sergeant?”

“...”

“Look at me, man. Why do you focus so much on the fact that I’ve grown a beard? If it looks weird or something, tell me.”

“It’s nothing.”

“Obviously it isn’t or you wouldn’t have bothered. Does it annoy you that much?”

“It’s none of my business.”

“True, but since when has that stopped either of us?”

“No, really, sir, forget I mentioned it.”

“If I didn’t know you, I’d say you’ve got a bit of colour to your cheeks.”

“Must be the light. Artificial lighting never did anything good for my complexion.”

“Arh, of course. Obviously.”

 

oOo

 

“Dr. Hobson likes it.”

“Likes what? Oh, that. Yeah, I know, she’s told me already.”

“...I know. Shall I open the other bottle of wine?”

“Yeah, sure. Wait. Hold on. You were hoping she’d agree with you, weren’t you? That I should shave?”

“...”

“James, sit your arse back down and tell me straight why you’ve got a problem with me beard. Is it that ugly to look at? Does it make me look ugly? Or uglier, as the case might be. ”

“What, no! Why would you say that?”

“It’s a fair assumption to make, lad. You’ve been on my case with the beard ever since I grew it. Not outright, no, but then being round-about and often silent about it is very you, especially if you think you’re sparing me feelings.”

“...”

“...Alright. Alright, I get it. You win. Do you mind if I borrow your razor? I’ll buy you a new one afterwards, yeah?”

“...”

“James, would you let go of my sleeve? I can’t very well go shave with you attached to my right arm, can I?”

“Don’t go.”

“I’m not going. I’ll be back in 15 minutes or so. Blimey, I hope it doesn’t hurt too bloody much. Been a while since I shaved something this long.”

“I don’t want you to.”

“Speak up, lad, you’re mumbling.”

“I don’t want you to shave!”

“You what? You’ve been all but nagging me to shave for weeks now, but now that I’m going to, you do a 180. Do you enjoy just being contrary?”

“No! Well...yes, but that’s hardly the point.”

“What _is_ the point then, James? Because I’m failing to see it and am frankly getting just a teeny bit annoyed.”

“I don’t want you to shave, sir, because...because I like it.”

“...Then why the blazes have you been on me back about it for so long?”

“Because it’s distracting!”

“...Then that still brings us back to me shaving it off.”

“No. It wouldn’t make a difference. The damage’s already been done, I fear.”

“...You know, James, you seem to have a talent for subtle insults.”

“You’re still not listening to me.”

“...Arh...Well, go on, then. I’m sitting down listening. Enlighten me.”

“It’s distracting, not because it’s ugly, but because it suits you so well. Because whenever you get something stuck in it I want to reach over and brush it out. Because I find myself watching your mouth when you speak. Because you’ve begun stroking it when you’re thinking. Because I want to run my fingers through it. Because you get even more attention from women now. Because...”

“Oh, you daft, awkward sod. You’re not even aware of the implications of what you’re saying, are you?”

“...”

“That’d be a n-oi! That hurts!“

“Sorry, sir, but you need to listen. I am aware of the implications – even I am not that socially awkward – but I was trying to collect my thoughts. I’m sorry I let it slip, but I don’t want you to feel sorry for me, so think of the silence as a way out. You don’t have to acknowledge it, even now.”

“...”

“I’ll go and fetch your coat, sir.”

“You really _are_ daft, aren’t you, lad?”

“I’m sorry if I’ve offended you, sir, but we’ve put worse things than this behind us. I’m sure we can do this, too. If you want.”

“What if I don’t want to put it behind me, hm?”

“Then I’ll resign, of course.” “

Always the dramatic, aren’t you? Well, this _is_ Oxford...dramatic gestures are the dog’s bollocks around here...”

“Mmph!”

“...Not really the response I was hoping for. Guess I shouldn’t have expect-mmph!”

...

“You...must...admit that...you tend to...make noises...when you’re...surprised, sir.”

“If it wasn’t for the fact you sound damn sexy winded like that, not to mention how good your lips look all kiss-bruised, I’m sure I ought to be offended.”

“ _I_ , on the other hand, could take offense that you’re not winded at all.” “

Arh, but I have over twenty years more experience than you, Jim. When it comes to snogging, I’m something of a connoisseur.”

“Then you’d best teach me.” “Careful, you might get more than you bargained for.”

“Oh, I look forward to it already.”

 

oOo

 

“You’ve shaved.”

“Yup.”

“When?”

“While you were dead to the world. You’ve got a serious case of octopus-limbs when you sleep, too – had the devil of a job getting meself out of bed. Good thing it’s the weekend.”

“Why have you shaved?”

“I don’t need it anymore, do I?”

“You don’t?”

“Nah. It’s served its purpose and honestly, it’s much easier just to shave it all than it is to trim a beard all the time. I remember from last time.”

“When did you have a beard?”

“When I first joined the force. That was a full beard, though. Thought it made me look more approachable, there up North. It didn’t last when I moved down here, though.”

“...What purpose has it served?”

“Arh, so you _did_ catch that, then. Hmm...”

“Sir.”

“Gods, man, don’t call me sir when you’re half naked in my bed. Makes me feel...wrong.”

“Robert.”

“Robbie’ll do fine, lad. But to answer your question – it got you to notice me.”

“So the whole ‘I got lazy on my leave’ was a lie?”

“No. I did get lazy. But I also noticed your interest when I had it and decided to see what would happen if I left it. Turned out rather nice.”

“So...your plan was to...seduce me with a beard?”

“Sounds bloody odd when you put it like that, but yeah. Pretty much, I guess.”

“...”

“You’ve got second thoughts, then?”

“...You’re wrong.”

“Oh, aye?”

"You didn’t seduce me with a beard. No, don’t say anything. You seduced me long before that, simply by being you.”

“...I never imagined you to be a romantic.”

“What can I say? You bring out the best in me. Now get back under here and let me show you.”

 

FIN

**Author's Note:**

> Old Kev has actually grown a beard like this - to see it, go find the New Tricks ep. "Congratulations"
> 
> I still worry about their accuracy characterwise, especially with nothing but dialogue, so any feedback is greatly appreciated.


End file.
